why Pat Metheny hates Kenny G

I found an interview with guitarist Pat Metheny in which he takes Kenny G to town. Now, it's not like Metheny is the height of taste himself -- most of his output on Geffen is a little weak, although I myself kind of appreciate 1994's Zero Tolerance for Silence and was probably the only person in Hamilton who actually bought the CD in its initial month of release. Kenny G on the other hand has evidenced a consistency that Metheny only wishes he could achieve: the G-man is shit on every single one of his releases.

Then there's this picture of Metheny from the Sadowsky Guitars page:



Holy. Fucking. Nightmare.

Kenny on the other hand knows what people want to see, and gives it to them every time (unless that something is pinups for failed-op trannies who are into those Vuarnet shorts that child molestors wear at the beach, right Pat?).

See this publicity pic of the Royal G?



Well, when confronted by random fans in a restaurant -- God only knows how excited they got when they learned that the restaurant had a working toilet -- like a pro Kenny knows what to do:



Graceful poise, little smile, and the hand-that-speaks-for-god resting delightfully at the chin, reminding everyone that our man Kenny is both a woodwind musician and a chronic fellator of the big industry dangler.

Now please once again look carefully at the above picture of Pat Metheny. In case you were blinded by its sacred beauty, here it is again:




Naturally, a man who is not so immediately photogenic gets pissed by the success of TeenBeat-bound Kenny G. No dorian mode harmonic triads will be able to compete with those G-tastic dimples. Kenny tells all comers: keep yo' lydian suspended licks at home, sucka! I gots me some bitches that need some sweet Kenny G-spot G.

RUMBLE!



So who would come out on top in a fight to the death? Let's test the preliminary weigh-in.

Pat Metheny: "You suck"
Kenny G: "I so fucking suck"

It seems that Kenny can't either fight or play music, as his preoccupation with all things craptacular keeps his eye off the prize.

So Metheny wins almost by default. Now, Mr. Metheny, can you please donate a copy of your CD with Jim Hall (on Telarc) to your competition? Consider it a trojan horse of sorts, as either Mr. G will get better in his own playing or, more optimistically, his head will explode with that most beautiful noise so familiar to Kenny G: pop.


Some more highlights from Metheny's hatred:

"when Kenny G decided that it was appropriate for him to defile the music of the man who is probably the greatest jazz musician that has ever lived by spewing his lame-ass, jive, pseudo bluesy, out-of-tune, noodling, wimped out, fucked up playing all over one of the great Louis's tracks (even one of his lesser ones), he did something that I would not have imagined possible. He, in one move, through his unbelievably pretentious and calloused musical decision to embark on this most cynical of musical paths, shit all over the graves of all the musicians past and present who have risked their lives by going out there on the road for years and years developing their own music inspired by the standards of grace that Louis Armstrong brought to every single note he played over an amazing lifetime as a musician. By disrespecting Louis, his legacy and by default, everyone who has ever tried to do something positive with improvised music and what it can be, Kenny G has created a new low point in modern culture - something that we all should be totally embarrassed about - and afraid of. We ignore this, "let it slide", at our own peril."

"if I ever DO see him anywhere, at any function - he WILL get a piece of my mind and (maybe a guitar wrapped around his head).


You can see the full interview here