Wednesday, March 08, 1995

Hang ‘Em High, And I Don’t Mean Laundry!

I’ve noticed a trend recently in Hollywood movies: nudity. That might not particularly be a new thing, what with all those women losing their clothes while escaping from psychotic killers and men doing those famous moonbeam-butt-walks. But what has become more and more prevalent is the display of the penis – aka junk, snake-eating-apple, dangler, family shame, fool’s gold, etc. And I have to say: thank god, finally!

Now, before anybody says anything about me being a limp-wristed, blouse-wearing Nancy, I have to say in my defence that I’m as burly as the next guy and would prefer to see beautiful blondes in various stages of undress than Bruce Willis’s particular intimates, no matter how important his maker of babies might be to the plot.

But guys, you have to look at this objectively. Women have been naked and exposed in the limelight for a century now (not all of those black-and-white movies were about pie fights and Christmas money-laundering schemes), and many women are demanding equal access to seeing their favourite lead males with their knickers down and their tackle ready to fish.Just a few nights ago, I was at the theatre when, during a love scene, two elderly women jumped up and started screaming. “Turn around, you sweating hunk! We want to see you sling all you’ve got! We want to drool over your raging masculinity!” Needless to say several police officers arrived and subdued the women with tasers.

Obviously, women wish to see more naked men. Before you say how immoral such a display would be, think objectively about nudity. Why should only females be naked on screen? Some argue that the beauty of the female form enhances the artistic message that the film-maker is trying to get across. Sure, any guy’s interpretation of a film’s importance will be enhanced by a shot of breasts.

But why is the male body not seen as beautiful? Surely it could convey very good artistic messages of its own. For example, masculinity and males in general have taken a nose dive recently (I mean that figuratively, boys). With all the Bobbit jokes floating around, and the concept of a modern man being sensitive even above his own needs, the male ego has been severely thrashed, left to lick its wounded privates.

The image of a powerful, virile, and nakedly masculine male can only enhance the male reputation. As long, of course, as that image is of a normal, statistically-average male. No more Schwarzenegger or hid numerous clones, no more porn stars, but a normal-looking husband-type guy. We’ve learned from those horrid mistakes that naked screen women went through. 36-28-36 or 30 centimetres? Yeah, good bloody luck.

I should point out that other countries don’t view male nudity in the same vein. Many other countries, especially in Europe, are much more enlightened to such displays. As a matter of fact, nearly every movie released in France in the last quarter century has at least one shot of a penis (sometimes with an arrow). And I’ve only seen the family films. European men, while they have many other strange problems, are not subject to the same failed ego of North American males that so plagues this decade, reducing us to virtual incompetence. We should take notice of the enlightened state of European sexuality to further our acceptance of big screen junk dealers. I am constantly hearing foreigners joke about the immature nature of sexuality in Hollywood films, ans I have to agree with them.

It’s a sad state of affairs when a human body, female or male, is seen as obscene and something to be kept private. Defy that with all of your might. The next time you see a naked man onscreen, stand up and scream: “Yes, sling everything you’ve got, my beautiful supporter of masculine identity!” We males need all the help we can get.