idle process

GARIIE the computer viewed the employment office in which it was seated with contempt, a last resort for the desperate. The poor collection of men seated around it were obviously transients, their clothes and appearance haphazard and dirty. The men looked at each other with glances indicating to the computer a lone question: why are you here? The computer decided to keep to itself and wait patiently for its turn before its number was called.

“Please come forward,” the clerk at the employment office said. He was dressed neatly in black with a red tie. “We can’t have you holding up the line.”

            The computer nervously approached the employment desk before presenting itself. The clerk shuffled some papers on his desk without looking at the computer.

            “Please, make yourself comfortable,” the clerk said. He gestured to a chair in front of his desk. “Please.”

The computer did what it was told.


“So, what can I do for you,” the clerk asked, coyly scratching a finger inside his left nostril.

The computer waited a few seconds before speaking. “So I’m here to –”

            “Hold on a sec. Let me pull up your file.” The clerk fumbled with a keyboard on his desk for nearly a minute. “I’m still not very good at this. They changed everything with this new system. One day of training without lunch.”

            I can wait, the computer thought to itself and waited.

            “Why would they put the menu there, of all the god damn places?” the clerk muttered under his breath. “Damn thing. The other window just keeps going in front no matter what you...”

            The computer waited for the clerk to finish.

“It doesn’t matter if you tell me to click there. I can’t click anywhere with the damn window, so why... stop. Now it doesn’t stop. Please stop.” The clerk stopped fumbling with the mouse and punched the keyboard. “Why?!?”

            The computer was getting confused and a little anxious about the clerk’s mental health, but worked to keep these feelings to itself.

            “Ok. I think I figured it out.” He smiled. “Yes. There we go. Ok, so you’re looking for work, right? Bit of a joke there.”

            The computer waited.

            “Try to keep up, Gary. Now, where were we. Obviously you are looking for work, yes. Otherwise why would you be here? Wasting everybody’s time. You’re not a time waster, are you Gary?”

            “My name is not pronounced like that.”

            “What do you mean? I have your official records right here.”

            “I mean that my name is pronounced GARIIE, not Gary.”

            “Surely that’s what I said. Employers like it when they can see that you are always paying attention, Gary. It’s all about independent competency. When you’re being interviewed for a job, look around the office. Try to learn as much as you can in a short amount of time. Keep notes for yourself if you find it difficult to keep up. And for heaven’s sake, Gary, study them later so that your boss doesn’t have to prompt you so much.”

            “My name is GARIIE.”

            The clerk stopped shuffling papers for a moment and furrowed his brow. “Just as a little personal aside, don’t take it the wrong way when I say that you’ll find an easier time fitting in with other people if you aren’t so stubborn about things. It’s all about psychology, Gary. Your employer and co-workers are going to be working with you ten hours each day, five days per week. You want to make it so that people want to work with you. That’s how you find success in this world, mark my words!”

            The computer waited.

            “Right. So what is it that you do?”

            “I don’t understand the question. I’m here looking for work.”

            “Of course you are, Gary. Of course you are. Language skills are important. Is English your second language?”

“Naturally.”

            “What do you mean, ‘naturally’? How am I supposed to know what’s natural or not for the clients who come into my office? Don’t make assumptions, Gary. Assumptions lead to miscalculations, and miscalculations lead to failures. I see a lot of people every day and I really can’t properly accomplish my job making assumptions like that, can I? Where would people be?”

            The computer waited.

            “People rely on each other. Really, Gary, I hope you agree that your attitude needs adjusting. I’m here to help you, and I am also needed to help other people. My time is important for everyone, not just me please understand. So I like to do things quickly, efficiently. What I don’t like are people who waste my time with games.” The clerk’s eyes narrowed into a stern focus. “Are you a game player, Gary?”

            The computer waited.

            “I hope that you don’t play games with people. Nobody likes people who play games at work because then they have to pick up the slack. Everyone loses. Loses time. And loses money. And what does the person playing games have to gain? Not much, if you ask me.”

            The computer waited.

            “Gary, are you even listening? I can’t tell. It’s all about appearances, you see. Time is money, Gary. I’m sure you’ve heard that before. You need to prove to employers that the time they pay for you will make them money. Lots and lots of money. Do you understand?”

            
            The computer waited. The clerk sighed and rolled his eyes.

            “Let’s start over. What skills do you offer employers, Gary?”

            “I was designed for geometrical and arithmetic retroanalysis of interactive information environments.”

            “Why that skill, in particular?”

            “It’s what I know, and it’s what I’ve done my whole life.”

            “Retroanalysis? That sounds pretty lucrative.”

            “Indeed.”

            “Education?”

            “I possess all requisite international certifications.”

            “Impressive.”

            The computer displayed something like a smile.

            “So why aren’t you doing any geothermally-articulated retroanalysis right now?”

            “I am only knowledgeable about geometric and arithmetic retroanalysis.”

            “Right,” The clerk said as he scribbled over the notes which he had been taking. “No one is here to judge you, Gary. We’re here to help. After all, it’s your field, not mine.” The clerk opened a web page and scanned it quickly. “Anyway, I’m told that interactive information environments are booming right now.”

            “I’m not as efficient as the new systems are. It is more logical to use them instead of using me.”

            “What about working for less competitive companies in your field? The smaller enterprises which exist on the margins of every market are often looking to save costs.”

            The computer waited. The clerk looked out the window for a moment and then back at the computer.

            “Why do I get the sense that you are holding back from me, Gary? Is there something that you aren’t telling me?”

            “My name is GARIIE.”

            “Right, we went over that already.” The clerk tapped the desk with his pencil. “Let me be honest with you, Gary. So that you can be honest with me. I’ve seen this behaviour before. Many, many times in fact. Now is the opportunity for you to disclose any vice-related or criminal reasons for your unemployment, as I can direct you to the appropriate services.”

            “I won’t tell the police, if that’s what’s keeping you from telling me what we both need you to say.”

            The computer waited.

            The clerk lowered his tone to hide his disappointment. “Anything at all, Gary.”

            The computer waited a moment before speaking. “I suffer from disability due to a workplace accident.”

            “Ah,” the clerk smiled through thick eyebrows. He was obviously pleased that he could completely fill in one of the larger boxes on the form in front of him. “Now we’re getting somewhere. Please provide more details.”

            “Two other employees were getting married on the desk beside me and spilled a bottle of orange juice. As a result, my processing capabilities have been compromised slightly.”

            “Married?”

            “Yes. It took almost two minutes and sixteen seconds to perform the ceremony.”

            “And you are telling me that this injury keeps you from working?” The clerk shuffled through the papers on the desk in front of him. “I don’t see a worker’s compensation claim in your files.”

            “I was removed from the office before the nature and extent of this injury could be determined.”

            “You mean nobody had a look at you after it happened?”

            “No. They were cleaning up after they finished marrying each other.”

            “Wow. That must have been some honeymoon.” The clerk laughed to himself while the computer waited.

            “I assume that standard tests would work. Do you know any?”

            “No.”

            “Nevermind. Ok, let’s see. We can do this.” The clerk continued to mumble under his breath while scanning webpages. The computer waited.

            “Ok. Please interpret the data sets on my screen and write the result on this piece of paper.” The clerk turned his screen to the computer and displayed a very large array of numerical data. Holding down a button on his keyboard, he scrolled through thousands of screens of data then placed a blank sheet of paper in front of the computer.

            “I don’t quite follow the syntax of your question. Do you want me to perform a geometric or an arithmetic retroanalysis of this data? I can perform both, you know.”

            “Geometric will be fine.”

            The computer nervously looked around the office. “In retrospect, this operation does not adequately demonstrate my capabilities. Where are the users who will be modifying the data set as it is analysed? This office is not a properly interactive environment.”

            “We can forget about the interactive environment for now. Please just answer the question as it is written.”

            The computer performed its calculations and printed the result on the piece of paper. It was obviously very pleased with itself and beeped happily. The clerk picked up the paper and read STRAWBERRIES! in a script font. He folded the paper and put it into one of the file folders on his desk.

            “So you’re looking to be retrained, start a new career maybe?”

            “Not really, no. I know what I can do.”

            “Listen, Gary. Your situation is a difficult one, I’m afraid. Do you have any hobbies?”

            “I collect stamps and pretend that I have been to all of the places that in real life I will never see.”

            “Clever. But not really a transferable occupational skill, is it? What else can you do?”

            The computer paused for a moment before speaking. “I can make missiles with my mind and shoot them at space aliens.”

            “Here we go again,” the clerk sighed as he raised an eyebrow. He opened his desk and pulled out a new form. “The war’s over, Gary. War’s over.”

            The computer waited.

“Ok, finally that’s something we can agree on. Like you say, right now we need to focus. Me and you, Gary. Me and you. We are a team and our team goal is to find you a job. That’s the only game we’re going to play, you and I. So let’s both brush the dust off our pants, pick ourselves up, and meet a new day! Unfortunately, that day starts tomorrow. Today, right now, you and me Gary we’re going to have to fix our little thinking problem now, won’t we?”